Wednesday, June 18, 2014

It must have been 10 years ago...I started wasn't pretty, or romantic...the first day 1/4 mile to the stop sign & was ugly and painful.  Everything hurt and I really never wanted to do that again.  But by the end of that summer I was walking 4 miles.  Over the years I was often angry & resentful because I hated walking alone even more so, I hated starting a program with someone and them having the other person bomb out for whatever reason leaving me high & dry.  It was always nice to have someone to distract me from the task at hand (or feet) to make the clock tick quicker and the pain either of those are even possible?  Over the years I have walked with people who are much quicker & some a little slower. I have walked up & down hills, on trails, paved streets and best of all on sandy beaches. More often than not I had someone with me, unfortunately until they found something better to do.  The few times I walked alone it was agonizing at first, but I got used to it and than someone else would want join in and thankfully distract me, often than they would surpass my abilities and move I was back to being alone...which I hated, because it reminded me of how painful it can be. Over the years I have felt defeated by my own body because I just could not keep up, I felt abandoned by people who swooped in to get motivated by me, but didn't stick with the plan. So I have literally had to change my way of thinking or I would never be a happy walker.  The reality for me is, I can not find a person who is as dedicated to my health (or their own for that matter) as I am, I can not find anyone who willing to invest in me (and they shouldn't, they should invest in themselves) I need to focus and invest in myself.   I realize I can take the time walking to be pissed off at the world for not being supportive or I can support myself, and simply change the way "I" think.   My new thought pattern is:

 "I" can walk as fast or slow as "I" want.
 "I" can walk as far or as short as "I" want. 
"I" do not have to wait for anyone to be ready able or willing "I" can just go...

I released myself from the prison of wishing and wanting company, to really rather being think about my life, my dreams to Pray, to look at the beauty that surrounds me.  I don't have to tune into someone elses issue of the day or try to support them on their journey, I get to support myself and listen to me.  What a wonderful opportunity to get to know myself better.

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