Wednesday, June 18, 2014


It must have been 10 years ago...I started walking...it wasn't pretty, or romantic...the first day 1/4 mile to the stop sign & back....it was ugly and painful.  Everything hurt and I really never wanted to do that again.  But by the end of that summer I was walking 4 miles.  Over the years I was often angry & resentful because I hated walking alone even more so, I hated starting a program with someone and them having the other person bomb out for whatever reason leaving me high & dry.  It was always nice to have someone to distract me from the task at hand (or feet) to make the clock tick quicker and the pain dissipate...like either of those are even possible?  Over the years I have walked with people who are much quicker & some a little slower. I have walked up & down hills, on trails, paved streets and best of all on sandy beaches. More often than not I had someone with me, unfortunately until they found something better to do.  The few times I walked alone it was agonizing at first, but I got used to it and than someone else would want join in and thankfully distract me, often than they would surpass my abilities and move on....so I was back to being alone...which I hated, because it reminded me of how painful it can be. Over the years I have felt defeated by my own body because I just could not keep up, I felt abandoned by people who swooped in to get motivated by me, but didn't stick with the plan. So I have literally had to change my way of thinking or I would never be a happy walker.  The reality for me is, I can not find a person who is as dedicated to my health (or their own for that matter) as I am, I can not find anyone who willing to invest in me (and they shouldn't, they should invest in themselves) I need to focus and invest in myself.   I realize I can take the time walking to be pissed off at the world for not being supportive or I can support myself, and simply change the way "I" think.   My new thought pattern is:

 "I" can walk as fast or slow as "I" want.
 "I" can walk as far or as short as "I" want. 
"I" do not have to wait for anyone to be ready able or willing "I" can just go...

I released myself from the prison of wishing and wanting company, to really rather being alone....to think about my life, my dreams to Pray, to look at the beauty that surrounds me.  I don't have to tune into someone elses issue of the day or try to support them on their journey, I get to support myself and listen to me.  What a wonderful opportunity to get to know myself better.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

You can be having a great day and then all of a sudden....POW

It's amazing what sparks the unraveling of negative emotions.  It can be a song, a smell or a chain of words....almost poetic indeed.

It is ironic in a way how you can have 100 people patting you on the back, telling you how wonderful you are and how proud of they are....but that ONE person can make everything disappear and you are left with your hands empty and your heart aching for that LOVE you thought was real. 







The reality is...some people are just afraid of REAL LOVE....they can not handle anyone really loving them for who they are. They assume other people are as shallow in their love giving, and that there are strings attached to everything, so they push REAL LOVE away and hug closer to the meaningless objects and relationships...when all along there were those of us who loved them honestly and purely for who they were, not for what they gave or what we thought we could change them into.  We saw into their soul and knew there was a gem under all the debris of disappointments and pain. We loved them enough and were willing to unearth that gem not because we sought after a prize but because we have been that person too, pushing away a real honest love, and when we laid down our armor we thought was protecting us from the world, we opened our arms and accepted the love that was being offered.  People can only love us the way we know how....asking anything more is asking to much from some people.  Isn't that what we all desire...is to be loved unconditionally JUST AS WE ARE <3 nbsp="" p="">

Monday, May 26, 2014



Day 1)  a few months ago I asked someone (in jest of course) how many DAY 1's can a person have....his response was be thankful for every day one, some people never even try and never get a day one under their belt.  THAT ONE STATEMENT has inspired me many times to just "start over" or as I like to say now...KEEP GOING.  Today was another DAY 1) I came to the conclusion awhile ago....I am going to be in pain no matter what I do...so I might as well KEEP MOVING.  But getting started again is so difficult.  First you got to get your head in the game, because you know it is not going to be easy, and lets face it everyone wants to take the easy way.  Secondly you have to come up with a game plan or plan of action.  and you have to be realistic, because lets face it your not going to run a mile if you have not even walked one in a few weeks.  This morning felt like starting over from scratch.  I got up earlier than I had been (yay me)  I planned a short walk, not focusing on anything but walking 30 minutes.  This is not a competition, no one is scoring me or taking notes on the chubby lady walking, so it is just me against myself.  I used to feel like I had to walk with people, to kill time, take the focus off the pain any distraction will do.  This morning I hurt, but I kept telling myself that if I keep coming back every day will get a little easier.  It is not a lie, I have done this enough times to know it is true. 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

My thoughts are wandering today....
I had the pleasure of a conversation with a delightful young man....he is smart, handsome, talented in many areas, has a wonderful career and a beautiful fiance....YET  he has a disease....
He has this internal need to please people and for people to like him.  The disease is literally stealing his life from him.  I know to many people (myself included) who suffer from this disease....it is crippling and debilitating...it is stealing our joy and the precious moments that we could be living a more confident life. Over the last few years I have often I thought I was cured. Sometimes I could care less what anyone thinks of me...than all of a sudden, I am whisked back into the conundrum of caring way to much what the world thinks about me and my thoughts and actions.....WHY do I share this?  Shouldn't we care what others think to a degree?  Because our actions REALLY DO say who we are as people....don't we want our message to be a positive one?  Don't we want at the end of our days to have the memories of our life to be inspiring and noble, not...whew..glad that one is gone.  I think it comes back to one word....BALANCE.  We should care about what we project into the world, but we don't have to get wrapped up in what others think of us...because often those critics don't even really know us, they get a slighted view into our lives, little snap shots of our reality.  In a few short hours I have grown to love this young man.  I could list all of his awesome qualities, and make him an award...and that might be good for his soul, but the reality is..... it dose not matter what anyone says about us.  I have had my own fair share of fan fair and praise and it did not matter, I still felt somewhat NOT GOOD ENOUGH....what mattered is how I saw myself.  How did I get to that often sought after SELF LOVE?  Well, it is actually more simple than you realize.  I started to take care of myself.  I started eating a little better, I started going for walks.  I started saying NO when I didn't want to do something and I started saying YES to things that scared me a little but in reality I knew were good for me.  When those seeds of doubt came knocking at my door...I realized those were the the days I forgot to take care of myself.  How quickly those fears and doubts come flooding back.  Now....I could share this wealth of information with my new found young friend...BUT  in reality this might not be his answer, he might have a whole other remedy for his disease.  We all have to get quiet enough to hear what we are saying....we are talking all the time, internal dialog going at lightening speeds....there is an answer out there for all of us....we just need to shut out the other voices and listen to SELF.